Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Signs Found In The Kitchen
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answers, do it yourself.
- I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
- I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener.
- My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it.
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
- My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.
I still have the note that I kept from my sister that said,
ReplyDelete"I would have vacuumed, but I couldn't find the vacuum cleaner. Gone to Andrea's house."
You know, I really shouldn't read this while I am trying to eat my cereal!
Ha ha...yes, don't eat cereal while reading funny things!
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