It’s time to laugh it up...
Last Will and Testament
Jack has died. His lawyer is standing before the family and reads out Jack's Last Will and Testament.
To my dear wife Esther, I leave the house, 50 acres of land, and 1 million dollars.
To my son Barry, I leave my Big Lexus and the Jaguar.
To my daughter Suzy, I leave my yacht and $250,000.
And to my brother-in-law Jeff, who always insisted that health is better than wealth, I leave my sun lamp.
The Good, The Bad and The Ugly
Good: Your wife is pregnant.
Bad: It's triplets.
Ugly: You had a vasectomy five years ago.
Good: Your wife's not talking to you.
Bad: She wants a divorce.
Ugly: She's a lawyer.
Good: Your son is finally maturing.
Bad: He's involved with the Woman next door.
Ugly: So are you.
Good: Your son studies a lot in his room.
Bad: You find several porn movies hidden there.
Ugly: You're in them.
Good: Your hubby and you agree, no more kids.
Bad: You can't find your birth control pills.
Ugly: Your 13 year old daughter borrowed them.
Good: Your husband understands fashion.
Bad: He's a cross-dresser.
Ugly: He looks better than you.
Good: You give the "birds and bees" talk to your daughter.
Bad: She keeps interrupting.
Ugly: With corrections.
Good: The postman's early.
Bad: He's wearing fatigues and carrying a shotgun.
Ugly: You gave him nothing for Christmas.
Signs Found In The Kitchen
- Ring bell for maid service. If no answers, do it yourself.
- I clean house every other day. Today is the other day.
- I would cook dinner but I can't find the can opener.
- My house was clean last week; too bad you missed it.
- I came, I saw, I decided to order take out.
- It doesn't always look like this: Some days it's even worse.
- A messy kitchen is a happy kitchen, and this kitchen is delirious.
- A balanced diet is a cookie in each hand.
- Thou shalt not weigh more than thy refrigerator.
- Countless number of people have eaten in this kitchen and gone on to lead normal lives.
- My next house will have no kitchen ... just vending machines.