Time for some silliness...
Pregnancy Q & A
Q. Should I have a baby after 35?
A. No, 35 children is enough.
Q. When will my baby move?
A. With any luck, right after he finishes high school.
Q. How will I know if my vomiting is morning sickness or the flu?
A. If it's the flu, you'll get better.
Q. What is the most reliable method to determine a baby's sex?
Q. What's the difference between a nine-month pregnant woman and a runway supermodel?
A. Nothing, if the pregnant woman's husband knows what's good for him.
Q. How long is the average woman in labor?
A. Whatever she says, divided by two.
Q. My childbirth instructor says it's not pain I'll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A. Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.
Q. Is there any reason I have to be in the delivery room while my wife is in labor?
A. Not unless the word "alimony" means anything to you.
Q. What does it mean when the baby's head is crowning?
A. It means you feel as though not only a crown but the entire throne is trying to make its way out of you.
Q. Is there anything I should avoid while recovering from childbirth?
A. Yes, pregnancy.
Q. Does pregnancy cause hemorrhoids?
A. Pregnancy causes anything you want to blame it for.
Q. What is the best time to wean the baby from nursing?
A. When you see teeth marks.
Q. Our baby was born last week. When will my wife begin to feel and act normal again?
A. When the kids are in college.
What Men Really Mean
"I'm going fishing."
Really means..."I'm going to drink myself dangerously stupid, and stand by a stream with a stick in my hand, while the fish swim by in complete safety."
"Let's take your car."
Really means..."Mine is full of beer cans, burger wrappers and completely out of gas."
"It's a guy thing."
Really means..."There is no rational thought pattern connected with it, and you have no chance at all of making it logical."
"Can I help with dinner?"
Really means..."Why isn't it already on the table?"
"Uh huh," "Sure, honey," or "Yes, dear."
Really means... Absolutely nothing. It's a conditioned response like Pavlov's dog drooling
"Have you lost weight?"
Really means..."I've just spent our last $30 on a cordless drill."
"My wife doesn't understand me."
Really means..."She's heard all my stories before, and is tired of them."
"It would take too long to explain."
Really means..."I have no idea how it works."
"I'm getting more exercise lately."
Really means..."The batteries in the remote are dead."
"We're going to be late."
Really means..."Now I have a legitimate excuse to drive like a maniac."
"You cook just like my mother used to."
Really means..."She used the smoke detector as a meal timer, too."
"Take a break, honey, you're working too hard."
Really means..."I can't hear the game over the vacuum cleaner."
"You look terrific."
Really means..."Oh, God, please don't try on one more outfit. I'm starving."
"Will you marry me?"
Really means..."Both my roommates have moved out, I can't find the washer, and there is no more peanut butter."
"I broke up with her."
Really means..."She dumped me."