Saturday, September 4, 2010

Saturday Silliness

Last week it was all about cats; this week it’s all about dogs...


BASIC RULES FOR DOGS

Newspapers: If you have to go to the bathroom while playing in the front yard, always use the newspaper that's placed in the driveway every morning for that purpose.

Visitors: Quickly determine which guest is afraid of dogs. Charge across the room, barking loudly and leap playfully on this person. If the human falls down on the floor and starts crying, lick its face and growl gently to show your concern.

Barking: Because you are a dog, you are expected to bark. So bark - a lot. Your owners will be very happy to hear you protecting their house. Especially late at night while they are sleeping safely in their beds. There is no more secure feeling for a human than to keep waking up in the middle of the night and hearing your protective bark, bark, bark ...

Licking: Always take a big drink from your water dish immediately before licking your human. Humans prefer clean tongues. Be ready to fetch your human a towel.

Holes: Rather than digging a big hole in the middle of the yard and upsetting your human, dig a lot of smaller holes all over the yard so they won't notice. If you arrange a little pile of dirt on one side of each hole, maybe they'll think it's gophers. There are never enough holes in the ground. Strive daily to do your part to help correct this problem.

Doors: The area directly in front of a door is always reserved for the family dog to sleep.

Sniffing: Humans like to be sniffed. Everywhere. It is your duty, as the family dog, to accommodate them.

Dining Etiquette: Always sit under the table at dinner, especially when there are guests, so you can clean up any food that falls on the floor. It's also a good time to practice your sniffing.

Housebreaking: Housebreaking is very important to humans, so break as much of the house as possible.

Going for Walks: Rules of the road: When out for a walk with your master or mistress, never go to the bathroom on your own lawn.

Couches: It is perfectly permissible to lie on the new couch after all your humans have gone to bed.

Playing: If you lose your footing while chasing a ball or stick, use the flower bed to absorb your fall so you don't injure yourself.

Cats: When chasing cats, make sure you never *quite* catch them. It spoils all the fun.

Chewing: Make a contribution to the fashion industry ... Eat a shoe.


HOLIDAY ETIQUETTE FOR DOGS

- Be especially patient with your humans during this time. They may appear to be more stressed-out than usual and they will appreciate long comforting dog leans.

- They may come home with large bags of things they call gifts. Do not assume that all the gifts are yours.

- Be tolerant if your humans put decorations on you. They seem to get some special kind of pleasure out of seeing how you look with fake antlers.

- They may bring a large tree into the house and set it up in a prominent place and cover it with lights and decorations. Bizarre as this may seem to you, it is an important ritual for your humans, so there are some things you need to know: Don't pee on the tree - don't drink water in the container that holds the tree. Mind your tail when you are near the tree-if there are packages under the tree, even ones that smell interesting or that have your name on them, don't rip them open - don't chew on the cord that runs from the funny-looking hole in the wall to the tree

- Your humans may occasionally invite lots of strangers to come visit during this season. These parties can be lots of fun, but they also call for some discretion on your part: Not all strangers appreciate kisses and leans - don't eat off the buffet table - beg for goodies subtly - be pleasant, even if unknowing strangers sit on your sofa - don't drink out of glasses that are left within your reach.

- Likewise, your humans may take you visiting. Here your manners will also be important: Observe all the rules in #4 for trees that may be in other people's houses. Respect the territory of other animals that may live in the house - tolerate children - turn on your charm big time.

- A big man with a white beard and a very loud laugh may emerge from your fireplace in the middle of the night. DON'T BITE HIM!!


THINGS DOGS MUST REMEMBER

- The garbage collector is NOT stealing our stuff.

- I do not need to suddenly stand straight up when I'm lying under the coffee table.

- I must shake the rainwater out of my fur BEFORE entering the house.

- I will stop trying to find the few remaining pieces of clean carpet in the house when I am about to throw up.

- I will not throw up in the car.

- I will not eat any more socks and then redeposit them in the backyard after processing.

- I will not wake Mommy up by sticking my cold, wet nose up her bottom end.

- I will not chew my human's toothbrush and not tell them.

- I will not chew crayons or pens, especially not the red ones, or my people will think I am hemorrhaging.

- When in the car, I will not insist on having the window rolled down when it's raining outside.

- We do not have a doorbell. I will not bark each time I hear one on TV.

- I will not steal my Mom's underwear and dance all over the backyard with it.

- The sofa is not a face towel. Neither are Mom & Dad's laps.

- My head does not belong in the refrigerator, dishwasher or trashcan.

- I will not bite the officer's hand when he reaches in for Mom's driver's license and car registration.

- I will not take off while on leash to chase squirrels while Mommy is standing on a slippery grass slope.


Have a great weekend!

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