Saturday, January 1, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Here’s some humor to start the year off right...





Ode To The New Year

'Twas the month after Christmas, and all through the house, nothing would fit me, not even a blouse.

The cookies I'd nibbled, the eggnog I'd taste, at the holiday parties had gone to my waist.

When I got on the scales there arose such a number! When I walked to the store (less a walk than a lumber).

I'd remember the marvelous meals I'd prepared; the gravies and sauces and beef nicely rared.

The wine and the rum balls, the bread and the cheese, and the way I'd never said, 'No thank you, please.'

As I dressed myself in my husband's old shirt and prepared once again to do battle with dirt - I said to myself, as I only can 'You can't spend a winter disguised as a man!'

So - away with the last of the sour cream dip, get rid of the fruit cake, every cracker and chip

Every last bit of food that I like must be banished 'till all the additional ounces have vanished.

I won't have a cookie - not even a lick. I'll want only to chew on a long celery stick.

I won't have hot biscuits, or corn bread, or pie. I'll munch on a carrot and quietly cry.

I'm hungry, I'm lonesome, and life is a bore, but isn't that what January is for?

Unable to giggle, no longer a riot.
Happy New Year to all and to all a good diet!


Dream Interpretation

Jemima was taking an afternoon nap on New Year's Eve before the festivities. After she woke up, she confided to Max, her husband, 'I just dreamed that you gave me a diamond ring for a New Year's present. What do you think it all means?'

'Aha, you'll know tonight,' answered Max smiling broadly.

At midnight, as the New Year was chiming, Max approached Jemima and handed her small package. Delighted and excited she opened it quickly. There in her hand rested a book entitled: 'The meaning of dreams'.


When You Don’t Know Much About Football

As in many homes on New Year's Day, Janet and Jim, a happily married couple, faced the annual conflict of which was more important: the football match on television, or the lunch itself.

Hoping to keep the peace Jim ate lunch with the rest of the family, and even lingered for some pleasant after-lunch chat before retiring to the lounge to turn on the television.

Some minutes later, Janet looked in to see how he was and graciously even bought a cold beer for Jim. She smiled, kissed him on the cheek and asked what the score was. Jim told her it was half time and that the score was still 0-0.

'See?' Janet said happily, 'You didn't miss a thing.'

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