Saturday, April 23, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Let’s get right to this week’s humor...

Top ten excuses for not doing homework:

I accidentally divided by zero and my paper burst into flames.

It was Isaac Newton's birthday.

I could only get arbitrarily close to my textbook. I couldn't actually reach it.

I have the proof, but there isn't room to write it in this margin.

I was watching the World Series and got tied up trying to prove that it converged.

I have a solar powered calculator and it was cloudy.

I locked the paper in my trunk but a four-dimensional dog got in and ate it.

I couldn't figure out whether I am the square root of negative one or i is the square root of negative one.

I took time out to snack on a doughnut and a cup of coffee. I spent the rest of the night trying to figure which one to dunk.

I could have sworn I put the homework inside a Klein bottle, but this morning I couldn't find it.

Signs Your Cat May Be Planning To Kill You...

- Seems mighty chummy with the dog all of a sudden.

- He actually *does* have your tongue.

- You find a stash of "Feline of Fortune" magazines behind the couch.

- Cyanide pawprints all over the house.

- You wake up to find a bird’s head in your bed.

- As the wind blows over the grassy knoll in downtown Dallas, you get a faint whiff of catnip.

- Droppings in litter box spell out "REDRUM."

- Catch him with a new mohawk looking in the mirror saying, "Mew looking at me? Mew looking at me?"

- Takes attentive notes every time "Itchy and Scratchy" are on.

- You find blueprints for a Rube Goldberg device that starts with a mouse chased into a hole and ends with flaming oil dumped on your bed.

- Has taken a sudden interest in the wood chipper.

- Instead of dead birds, leaves cartons of Marlboros on your doorstep.

- Ball of yarn playfully tied into a hangman’s noose.

- You find a piece of paper labeled "MY WIL" which says: "LEEV AWL 2 KAT."

... and the Number 1 Sign Your Cat May Be Planning to Kill You ...

- Now sharpens claws on your car’s brake lines.

You Know You're in Trouble When...

Your accountant’s letter of resignation is postmarked Zurich.

You have to hitch hike to the bank to make your car payment.

Your suggestion box starts ticking.

Your secretary tells you the FBI is on line 1, the DA is on line 2, and CBS is on line 3.

You see your stockbroker hitchhiking out of town.

You see the captain running toward the railing wearing a life jacket.

They pay your wages out of petty cash.

You make more than you ever made, owe more than you ever owed, and have less than you've ever had.

You tell the barber what you think about his prices before you get your haircut.

Getting there is half the fun and three-fourths of the vacation budget.

The simple instructions enclosed aren't.

A black cat crosses your path and drops dead.

You take an assertiveness training course and you're afraid to tell your wife.

The plumber floats by on your kitchen table.

Your pacemaker has only a thirty day guarantee.

The candles on your cake set off your smoke alarm.

The pest exterminator crawls under your house and never comes out.

Let's end this post with a funny photo...

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