Saturday, July 23, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Let’s get right to this week’s silliness...


You Know You Need A New Lawyer When...

- When the prosecutors see who your lawyer is, they high-five each other.

- During your initial consultation he tries to sell you Amway.

- He tells you that his last good case was a "Budweiser".

- He picks the jury by playing "duck-duck-goose."

- During the trial you catch him playing his Gameboy.

- He asks a hostile witness to "pull my finger."

- Every couple of minutes he yells, "I call Jack Daniels to the stand!" and proceeds to drink a shot.

- He frequently gives juror No. 4 the finger.

- He places a large "No Refunds" sign on the defense table.


Top Ten Things Not To Say At A Funeral

1. What's that smell?

2. So who's that sleeping in the box?

3. I wouldn't be caught dead in that outfit.

4. I would have loaned him my good rope if I'd known what he was using it for!

5. (to the widow) Now that you're single, how about a date?

6. It must suck to be dead.

7. (crying) I guess this means I'm out of the buck he owes me!

8. When do we eat?

9. Can I have his car?

10. People sure look stupid dead.


Medical Quotes

The following quotes were taken from actual medical records as dictated by physicians...

"By the time he was admitted, his rapid heart had stopped, and he was feeling better."

"Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year."

"On the second day the knee was better and on the third day it had completely disappeared."

"The patient has been depressed ever since she began seeing me in 1983."

"The patient will need disposition, and therefore we will get Dr. Blank to dispose of him."

"The patient refused an autopsy."

"The patient has no past history of suicides."

"The patient's past medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days."

"She slipped on the ice and apparently her legs went in separate directions in early December."

"The patient left the hospital feeling much better except for her original complaints."

"The patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch."

"The patient was in his usual state of good health until his airplane ran out of gas and crashed."

"She is numb from her toes down."

"Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches."

"When she fainted, her eyes rolled around the room."



4 comments:

  1. GROAN!!! Of course, I just had to LOL at some of them!

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  2. I like "Occasional, constant, infrequent headaches" Lol, I've been there!

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  3. I'm glad you all enjoyed! Nothing like humour to make it a great day!

    ReplyDelete