Saturday, September 10, 2011

Saturday Silliness

Let’s start the day off right...with a smile...

Things Not To Say To A Cop

- I can't reach my license unless you hold my beer.

- Sorry, Officer, I didn't realize my radar detector wasn't plugged in.

- Aren't you the guy from the Village People?

- Hey, you must've been doin' about 125 mph to keep up with me! Good job!

- Are we going to be on that TV show "COPS"?

- Oh good, it just you. I thought it was that bounty hunter after me!

- You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?

- Do you know how stupid you look in that costume?

- I pay your salary!

- So, uh, you on the take, or what?

- Gee, Officer! That's terrific. The last officer only gave me a warning, too!

- Do YOU know why you pulled me over? Okay, just so one of us does.

- I was trying to keep up with traffic. Yes, I know there is no other car around-that's how far ahead of me they are.

- Well, when I reached down to pick up my bag of crack, my gun fell off my lap and got lodged between the brake pedal and the gas pedal, forcing me to speed out of control.

- Hey, is that a 9 mm? That's nothing compared to this .44 magnum.

You know it's going to be a bad day when...

- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angel's.

- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.

- You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.

- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.

- You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.

- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.

- Your 4-year-old tells you that it's almost impossible to flush a grapefruit down the toilet.

- You discover that your 12-year-old's idea of humor is putting crazy glue in your Preparation H.

- It costs more to fill up your car than it did to buy it.

- You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.

- Your car payment, house payment, and girlfriend are three months overdue.

- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.

- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.

- Your income tax refund check bounces.

- You need one bathroom scale for each foot.

- You call your wife and tell her that you would like to eat out tonight and when you get home there is a sandwich on the front porch.

- You go on your honeymoon to a remote little hotel and the desk clerk, bell hop, and manager have a "Welcome Back" party for your new spouse.

- The gypsy fortune teller offers to refund your money.

- You are pigging out at McDonald's by yourself and the manager orders the numbers on the sign outside changed.

- Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." and you remember that you were home by yourself.