Let’s take some time to laugh out loud...
Assigning Employees to Departments
Take the prospective employees you are trying to place and put them in a room with only a table and two chairs. Leave them alone for two hours, without any instruction. At the end of that time, go back and see what they are doing.
- If they have taken the table apart, put them in Engineering.
- If they are counting the butts in the ashtray, assign them to Finance.
- If they are waving their arms and talking out loud, send them to Consulting or Sales.
- If they are talking to the chairs, Personnel is a good spot for them.
- If they are jittery and crazed from 2 hours without an internet connection, Computer Information Systems is their home.
- If the room has a sweaty odour, put them in Help Desk.
- If they mention what a good price we got for the table and chairs, send them to Purchasing.
- If they mention that hardwood furniture DOES NOT come from rainforests, Public Relations would suit them well.
- If they are sleeping, they are Management material.
- If they are writing up the experience, send them to the Technical Documents team.
- If they don't even look up when you enter the room, assign them to Security.
- If they try to tell you it's not as bad as it looks, send them to Marketing.
Job Security Quiz
1. The boss appears at your cubicle and finds you playing DOOM at your desk, you...
A. Swear to take the game off your hard drive forever, but first make a copy for his kid.
B. Inform him that you're planting a virus in the program so that everyone who plays it on company time will get reported to Human Resources.
C. Tell him that whatever he wants will have to wait until you've finished the level.
2. When your boss throws a party and invites everyone in the office except you, what do you do?
A. Stay home and watch 'I Love Lucy' reruns.
B. Show up at the party anyway, with a really expensive bottle of wine and a briefcase full of small, unmarked bills.
C. Go over to your boss’s house after everyone has left and throw rocks at the windows, shouting obscenities.
3. Your boss criticizes your work unjustly; what do you do?
A. Listen politely, and then apologize.
B. Blame someone else.
C. Climb on top of your desk, and hold up a piece of paper on which you've written the word "union."
4. When the CEO parks his car in your spot, you...
A. Wash and wax it, then leave your business card under the windshield wiper.
B. Key it ... then tell the CEO's secretary you saw your boss near it, loitering suspiciously.
C. Key it ... then proudly tell the CEO's secretary that you did it.
5. Your boss asks you to play Kooky the Clown for his kid's fifth birthday party, what do you do?
A. Offer to pay for the costume rental and cake, too.
B. Agree to do it, and then blackmail a co-worker into doing it while pretending to be you.
C. Agree to do it, then show up as yourself and tell the children that Kooky is dead.
Mostly A's: You have nothing to worry about. They'll never fire you because you're a doormat.
Mostly B's: You're not just going to keep your job, with your complete disregard for other people’s feelings; you'll positively shoot up the ladder of success. Congratulations! You're a real jerk.
Mostly C's: You are a career kamikaze. The boss would have fired you long ago, but he's terrified of what you might do.