Hostile Communication Is Why We Get Nowhere

“To effectively communicate, we must realize that we are all different in the way we perceive the world and use this understanding as a guide to our communication with others.”
- Tony Robbins -

Most of you, if not all, have heard by now about the heart-wrenching school shooting that occurred a few days ago in Newtown, Connecticut where 26 lives were lost, most of them belonging to young children around six or seven years of age. The horrific slaughtering of all these innocents has not only shaken my neighbours to the south, but the entire world.

As always, whenever tragic incidences of such an immeasurable magnitude occur, people are shocked, devastated, outraged. They feel the need to act or to say something. They offer condolences, an opinion, assistance, support. They search for answers, they point fingers, make accusations, seek out a scapegoat, offer solutions. They want to know why this happened. What motivated the killer. What shaped him, influenced him, drove him. They want to blame his heinous actions on something. Someone. They want a person or a cause held responsible. They want to rationalize what, in fact, quite often cannot be rationalized.

And as always, the debate about gun laws in America, and gun ownership in general anywhere around the world, is reignited. There are those for and against gun ownership. There are those for and against stricter laws. There are those for and against the outright banning of all firearms. And as far as I’m concerned, no matter which side of the fence you sit on, and even if you’re sitting on the fence because you’re undecided, your voice should be heard, your opinion should be respected, and you should have the right to express your thoughts without being chastised. Because I truly believe that when we express ourselves honestly, listen to each others’ differing opinions respectfully, see things from another’s perspective, make a real effort to understand another point of view, then – and only then – can we understand one another. Then - and only then - can we truly work toward satisfying solutions together. And then – and only then – will we truly begin to create a better society. Together.

Verbal abuse, mudslinging and belittling do more damage than good. When someone is aggressive and insulting, our initial response is to become defensive. And reiterate the insults. Which makes the other party more aggressive. And this goes back and forth until a full-blown battle ensues where name calling is what the discussion ends up being about, and nothing gets accomplished.

I witnessed such a battle on Facebook recently between two old school mates. We all attended the same high school, and one of the men I know as far back as elementary school. Anyway, one is passionately pro guns and has a collection of firearms; the other is passionately anti guns and believes they should be outlawed completely. After the school shooting, the anti gun man posted that he had wanted to leave a comment on the NRA’s Facebook page but was unable to (I’m guessing that they were expecting a flood of hostile comments and disabled the feature). Not long after that post was made, the pro gun man added a comment, demanding to know why he wanted to contact the NRA, that there was no reason to contact them.

Without getting into too many details, let’s just say that this exchange that could have made for a healthy and enlightening debate and discussion about a topic that needs to be debated and discussed turned into a raunchy, mudslinging, name-calling fiasco. All decency was thrown out the window and replaced by savagery. Insults went from you-f’ing-this and you-f’ing-that to words like stupid, idiot, dumbass, lunatic, moron, and a few others in between. And one man went as far as accusing the other of being a pedophile (!). This from two grown men.

And what did this irate exchange accomplish? Just more animosity. And a deeper divide.

I won’t pretend to have the answers for all of this world’s problems, including the latest tragedy down south. And I’m not entirely sure what it is exactly that we need to do for the statements of “Peace on Earth” and “Peace and Goodwill To All” to go from hollow statements that we parrot every year to having true meaning, but I’m willing to bet that to make this happen, to succeed in working toward a common goal, to eventually make this a better place, we must be willing to sit side by side with people of a differing background, culture, heritage, religion, political affiliation, race, opinion, language, social origin, perspective, sex, status, and so on, and listen to them. Respectfully. Calmly. And with an open mind. So that we can evolve.

 

Hostile communication with a torrent of mudslinging is counterproductive. And one of the main reasons we get nowhere.

 

Put aside the anger and the insults, and listen to each other.