Thursday, December 6, 2012

How To Give A Cat A Pill

My fearful kitty
(Following this, there’ll be instructions on how to give a dog a pill)

Not too long ago, I took my two cats to the vet; each went on a separate day. The older one gets slightly nervous about the whole thing, but reasonably so. But the other one? Holy moly! She’s absolutely traumatized. And this year, she handled the visit even worse. She peed in the carrier, so when I opened the door to let her out, the whole examination table got soaked. It had to be wiped. And so did she! Not the most dignified moment for my kitty. More trauma...

Anyway, the nightmare didn’t end at the vet’s office. I took home a pill that had to be given to her orally a couple of weeks later, and that (seemingly) small job required two of us. Me and hubby. And what an ordeal it turned out to be. I tell you, when a cat doesn’t want to take medicine, good luck with administering it...

So when I ran across the funny instructions below, I roared with laughter. For obvious reasons...

"Try it. I dare you..."
How To Give A Cat A Pill

1. Pick cat up and cradle it in the crook of your left arm as if holding a baby. Position right forefinger and thumb on either side of cat’s mouth and gently apply pressure to cheeks while holding pill in right hand. As cat opens mouth, pop pill into mouth. Allow cat to close mouth and swallow.

2. Retrieve pill from floor and cat from behind sofa. Cradle cat in left arm and repeat process.

3. Retrieve cat from bedroom, and throw soggy pill away.

4. Take new pill from foil wrap, cradle cat in left arm holding rear paws tightly with left hand. Force jaws open and push pill to back of mouth with right forefinger. Hold mouth shut for a count of ten.

5. Retrieve pill from goldfish bowl and cat from top of wardrobe. Call spouse from yard.

6. Kneel on floor with cat wedged firmly between knees, hold front and rear paws. Ignore low growls emitted by cat. Get spouse to hold head firmly with one hand while forcing wooden ruler into mouth. Drop pill down ruler and rub cat’s throat vigorously.

7. Retrieve cat from curtain rail, get another pill from foil wrap. Make note to buy new ruler and repair curtains. Carefully sweep shattered figurines and vases from hearth and set to one side for gluing later.


8. Wrap cat in large towel and get spouse to lie on cat with head just visible from below armpit. Put pill in end of drinking straw, force mouth open with pencil and blow down drinking straw.

9. Check label to make sure pill not harmful to humans, drink one beer to take taste away. Apply Band-Aid to spouse’s forearm and remove blood from carpet with cold water and soap.

10. Retrieve cat from neighbor’s shed. Get another pill. Open another beer. Place cat in cupboard and close door onto neck to leave head showing. Force mouth open with dessert spoon. Flick pill down throat with rubber band.

11. Fetch screwdriver from garage and put cupboard door back on hinges. Drink beer. Fetch bottle of Scotch. Pour shot, drink. Apply cold compress to cheek and check records for date of last tetanus shot. Apply whiskey compress to cheek to disinfect. Toss back another shot. Throw tee-shirt away and fetch new one from bedroom.

12. Call fire department to retrieve the friggin’ cat from tree across the road. Apologize to neighbor who crashed into fence while swerving to avoid cat. Take last pill from foil-wrap.

13. Tie the dang thing’s front paws to rear paws with twine and bind tightly to leg of dining room table, find heavy duty pruning gloves from shed. Push pill into mouth followed by large piece of steak. Be rough about it. Hold head vertically and pour two pints of water down throat to wash pill down.

14. Consume remainder of Scotch. Get spouse to drive you to emergency room, sit quietly while doctor stitches fingers and forearm and removes pill remnants from right eye. Call furniture shop on way home to order new table.

15. Arrange for Humane Society to collect mutant cat from hell, and call local pet shop to see if they have any hamsters.

Har har har...

All that compared to:

How to Give a Dog a Pill

1. Wrap it in bacon.


24 comments:

  1. Oh man! I was totally laughing out loud on my train ride. Call conductor for lunatic passenger :)

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  2. It's easy to laugh after the fact, isn't it! Poor kitty, I feel bad for her when she peed in the carrier. And, on another note, love the Grumpy Cat lol in the corner!

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    1. I felt sorry for her, too, that day. But now I can laugh about it.

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  3. Ha. WHen we have to do it, it's always me. I put the cat on the floor, and basically sit on it with it's little head peeking out between my knees. No where for it to go when I'm sitting on her like that. I use my left hand to open her mouth and with my right I shove that pill as far back in her throat as possible. I hold her head looking up for about a minute while she tries to thrash around. ANd then let her go. I really get hr in a strong hold and am pretty rough on her, but I figure that way it's all done in 2 minutes instead of 1/2 hour of misery for everyone like when my wife does it or girls. They try to be too nice. Just shove it in there!

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    1. I hold her and hubby gives her the pill. He's very fast with it, too, unlike me who would take forever hoping she'll comply...LOL... I guess you guys don't mind being a little rough if it means getting the job done faster.

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  4. I can so relate! Poor kitty peeing in her carrier, hope she is going to be OK. We had a cat that not only peed but hissed, growled and scratched and acted like a wild animal, he hated the vets and they finally had to give him "sleeping gas" every time he needed an exam $$$. I give my old cat Ginny a pill everyday, it's pretty easy -- the poor old girl is too old to fight back much. Sometimes I do find the pill on the floor the next day though! Sneaky!

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    1. She's over it now. She was a bit upset at me for awhile, but I'm back to being her favourite person :)

      That is so funny about your cat! So far, despite how hard it is to give them a pill, my cats have not spit them out afterwards. Once it's done, it's done.

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  5. Hehe!! It's funny because it's so true. Cats are complicated creatures and definitely have a mind of their own - and the claws to back it up!! Dogs on the other hand are so ridiculously easy-going.

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    1. Yes, dogs are ridiculously easy-going! That's the great thing about them. But then, I love the cat's willful, free-spirit, too.

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  6. My wife learned a trick from somewhere. When you open the cats mouth and put the pill in you blow in their face. That causes them to scrunch and swallow.

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    1. This sounds so interesting! I'll have to try it and see.

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  7. I hope your kitty is okay. This gave me a wonderful laugh! I used to have to hide pills in peanut butter to get them down my scottie's throat.

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    1. She's fine now. The trauma is all forgotten, and she's back to her normal self!

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  8. and are you suggesting that I, Sophie Doodle, become bug-eyed at the mention of B-A-C-O-N....well you are right, Miss Martha!

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    Replies
    1. Hahaha...yes, I've no dbout that you get bug-eyed with bacon!

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  9. I can;t imagine giving a pill to a cat. My dog though has learned to spit out the pill after eating whatever I wrapped the pill with. Yes, his tongue is very talented. He os freaking Houdini .

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    1. Hahaha...he is quite special, Ana, if he spits out the pill even after it's wrapped in something yummy!

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  10. I tell ya Martha, the big thick towel wrapped 'mummy-style' 2 to 3 times around said cat...works!! Mostly.

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    1. Hahaha...yes, mostly! And even that sometimes isn't enough.

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  11. You should try grinding the pill up and mixing it into his food. It's way less traumatic on the cat and you.

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    1. I've done that in the past, but the problem with it is that the taste of the food is sometimes altered, so the cat won't eat it --- and then the pill is lost. Other times, the cat doesn't eat all the food, so it's not effective.

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  12. Oh such a nightmare... I just dread getting pills from the vet. And yest the dog is just as bad as the cats. funny funny set of instructions, Martha!!! Been there done that as they say.

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    1. I've no doubt that dogs are not very happy about getting pills either. I dread having to force my cats to take anything. It's such a rotten chore!

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