"Not until we are lost do we begin to understand ourselves."
Henry David Thoreau
(continuing from last time...)
So despite how toxic the relationship was and how mismatched we were and what a stupid idea it was, my ex and I got married when I was 24. Looking back now with 20/20 vision that comes with experience, maturity and wisdom, I can see clearly what a big mistake I made. Huge. I should have been a runaway bride and headed for the hills. I didn’t.
|I should have headed for the hills!|
Instead, I convinced myself that once we were married things would eventually get better. They didn’t. No matter how hard I tried. Or how I behaved. Or what I said or did. Or what I put up with or pretended not to notice. Or how often (and for how many shortcomings) I apologized. We were married for 8 years and the majority of that time was miserable. Heartbreaking. Painful. Dysfunctional. Alarming. Exhausting. Disturbing. Confusing. Dishonest. And worst of all, volatile. Many a time I would sit on my back balcony with a heaviness in my heart and a sense of despair and a darkness in my soul and think - over and over again - as I stared off into the horizon “This can’t be my life for the next 20...30...50 years. It just can’t. I won’t make it.”
I've never felt more lost and unhappy and alone and pessimistic and worthless than during that period; witnessing and dealing with situations that were beyond my comprehension. My world had spiraled out of control. I was living a life that was so off course and so misaligned in every way from what I’d dreamed about and wished for and approved of that it felt surreal.
I should have left early on. Why didn’t I? For many reasons. So many, in fact, that if I were to list them and explain them, it would lead to a book. In a nutshell, I got stuck in an emotional and psychological cycle that took many years and a lot of tears and intense soul searching to untangle...and heal. Because at some point I had to locate the woman I truly was and free her; the one that was buried under all this madness.
In the meantime, somewhere in this chaos my two beautiful daughters were born.
To be continued... (click here)
Have a lovely weekend, everyone.