Wednesday, April 29, 2015

Our Story (6): Strike Three

“No one ever gets tired of love, everyone gets tired of waiting, assuming, hearing lies, saying sorry, and hurting.”
- unknown -

(continuing from last time...)

When I was 8 months pregnant with my second daughter, I received a phone call from my ex as he sat in the back seat of a police cruiser. He’d been stopped while speeding and because he was driving without a license (a regular habit since he’d lost his license a long time ago, and really, he had no qualms about breaking the law), they wouldn’t let him leave with the car. They could have seized it but decided to give him one chance. So he called me to come get him. And the car. I put my very pregnant self and my young daughter (who was turning five that month) into a cab and headed over. When my daughter and I stepped out of the cab, the police officer standing nearby stared with what I can only assume was total surprise. Obviously he hadn’t expected a woman who looked like she was ready to go into labour at any moment. And a pre-school child.

I was shaking uncontrollably. My heart was pounding. My cheeks were flushed. I don’t think I’ve ever felt more ashamed in my life. Or disgusted. I put my daughter in our car, strapped her in and got into the driver’s seat. The police officer walked over to the driver’s window and the look in his eyes made me feel even more embarrassed. I could barely meet his gaze. I’d grown up in such a wholesome household. How did I get to this point? What was wrong with me?
My mom with her two granddaughters at the
hospital on the day the younger one was born.
Thank goodness for my loving family.

He said “I’m giving your husband one chance. The next time we’re going to arrest him and take him in. You should speak to him.” I turned to him and said “I’m not his mother, officer; I already have a young child and one on the way to take care of. He’s a grown man and should know better. The next time you pull him over, lock him up and teach him a lesson.” He nodded and left.

They released my ex and I drove us home. I didn't say one word as he gloated about how he had talked his way out of this. No apology. No remorse. No regret. Not even for his daughter witnessing this. Nothing. Just sheer satisfaction at getting away with it. Again.

I couldn't sleep that night, plagued by guilt and shame and sorrow as I played the scenario over and over in my mind. Something broke inside me that day. Perhaps it happened when my daughter wanted to run to see her dad as he sat in a police car. Like this was normal. Perhaps it happened when I thought about my unborn baby who was fated to begin her life in such dysfunction. Perhaps it happened when I thought about all the years’ worth of heartbreak. Disappointment. Humiliation. Neglect. Rage. Hopelessness. Betrayal. Helplessness. Manipulation. And more. Or maybe it happened when I looked into the police officer’s eyes and saw what I’d least expected: sympathy. For the pitiful world I was living in. The one that I was shamefully raising a child in. The one the baby in my belly would be arriving into. Pure and innocent and impressionable little souls.

Whatever it was, the resentment toward my ex began to build. And even though the baby girl I gave birth to three weeks later began her life in a toxic environment, it would only be a matter of months before that world would be left behind.

To be continued... (click here)

38 comments:

  1. This is really honest and hard to understand. I feel sorry for your ex, he missed the most beautiful time a couple lived. I couldn't see myself without being 100 % part of OUR pregnancy, It was such a magic tender time, Poor guy!

    Also he missed a life with a beautiful caring women, you went the extra miles Martha and then further. I applaud you of getting away from him, he didn't deserved you.

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    1. Thanks, Richard. He missed all that, but so did I. I wish I'd been with my present husband when I had the girls. We would have shared that amazing journey together and he would have been a really great support system. We talk about that sometimes. What could have been. But such is life. At least we're together now.

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  2. I visualized this story and could really see things through your perspective. It's a great thing that you have moved on and elevated yourself, most especially for your kids not to be witnesses to such an environment. Best wishes always!

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    1. Thank you. That's very kind. Considering I have girls, I'm so glad they didn't grow up in that environment. Their stepfather showed them how a man should treat a woman.

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  3. Wow Martha that is such a raw and heart breaking story. As sad as it is, it seems like when you looked into that policeman's eyes that may have been the defining moment for you. I'm so glad this story has a happy ending!

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    1. I will never forget that look. It both disturbed and awakened me. And he seemed like such a kind soul.

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  4. As I read that last line "it would only be a matter of months before that world would be left behind" I cheered!
    Sweet photo of your mom with the girls ...

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    1. My mom was a blessing during both pregnancies and after. She is an inspiration to me.

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  5. well this does put a new lens on the 'most wonderful man ever' as I can see that these awful events led to you moving to an amazing, new and wonderful life you live now.

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    1. It astonishes me sometimes how opposite these two men are. Now I'm on the other side of the spectrum :)

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  6. This is a sad chapter, but I'm glad things get better.

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  7. It is good for you to talk about this, better to know it is behind you.

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  8. There's always a straw that breaks the camel's back, isn't there? Sounds like this incident was yours. Reminds me of a somewhat similar incident I went through with Big Bad Butch. The cop was diplomatic but essentially let me know she was a lying bitch and I was an idiot to believe her. That was the beginning of the end for us too.

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    1. They have tremendous insight. He wasn't the first police officer to pass me that message. There will be another example of this in a future post. Eventually my brain began to function properly and everything became crystal clear.

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  9. Martha...this is very brave of you...to relive these hideous memories...so glad you met Mr Wonderful...
    You are an amazing woman...it takes such great strength, to survive such indignities...
    Kudos to you...Your daughters are very lucky to have you as their Mom♥️
    Enjoy your day!

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    1. Thank you, Linda. I'm grateful that all this is in the past. It was a character-building experience...to say the least!

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  10. Oh, Martha. You make it sound so easy. He had beaten you down and you likely didn't feel you deserved no better. But you did and you figured it out! You are so very brave and courageous! You are resilient and strong.

    I am so proud of you.

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    1. Thanks, Birdie. That's how you stay in line, by being beaten down. When you don't have self worth, it is easier to manipulate and control you.

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  11. When reading this you always wonder, "How bad can it get?" I know the ending but the story is hard to imagine.

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    1. There are many stories before this that demonstrate how bad it can get. It would take many, many posts to share all of them, so I decided to pick a few. Thankfully, it's all in the past.

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  12. Oh how awful that must've been for you. Good for you for telling the cop to arrest your hubby next time.

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    1. He would have deserved it. He got away with too many things.

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  13. I never understand people who speed when they don't have a valid drivers license. An old co-worker of mine got caught doing that at least twice. He's a gigantic idiot.

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    1. That pretty much explains it, Adam. Gigantic idiot!

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  14. Enough was enough, Martha! God knows you gave it all you had, and more.
    Yes, thank goodness for your loving family.

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    1. Nothing like a loving family, Jim. I am forever grateful for them. They have always been there for me.

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  15. Not only did you write that extremely well, but you ended with a cliffhanger.

    Damn, you're good.

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  16. So glad too you had the supportive family!

    betty

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    1. Yes, thank goodness for them! I don't know what I would've done without them.

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  17. The question isn't/wasn't: What was wrong with you? It's: What was wrong with him? But there's no real answer. He was a sick, cruel man. We've all been in toxic relationships, Good Martha. Yours was horribly toxic at the worst possible times for you. But you were smart enough to realize it, and I'm looking forward to reading the happy beginning that will follow this post.

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    1. "What was wrong with him?" Indeed, Robyn. But that question wouldn't come to mind for a long time. At the time, I felt responsible for everything. Thank goodness I eventually came to my senses.

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  18. Knowing who is your better 1/2 now helps as I read each of these words that you lay on the page.

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    1. It is a very happy ending...thank goodness for that. My ex and my present husband are like night and day. I think about my past and it's surreal. Like I was an entirely different person. I guess in some ways I was!

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  19. Such a horrible thing, mine tried to kill us by driving like a maniac on country roads where I kept on telling him to stop he was hurting me, the baby, he wanted us gone, one day going to work with my baby in the back he passed people carelessly, and kept on drive straight on when he saw a car approaching and the car sped and i was so scared for my baby i told him stop, you're going to kill us. But the car on the other road stopped within inches, what i did not know is he was a cop he gave him a ticket and he told him ' what kind of asshole drives like a maniac with his wife and baby in the car' if ever there's a next time you're I'll make sure you go to jail.....thank God for that cop I looked at him so gratefully, I just saw sympathy in his eyes and i knew, that was it...we seem to have had the first kind of marriage. I admire your courage in getting married again. I never could. I carry the hurt and it won't go away. But I AM beyond thrilled that you found the most wonderful man in the world, beyond thrilled xo

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    1. You story is so heartbreaking, Lorraine. You ex sounds like a selfish jerk (that's putting it mildly). I swore up and down that I'd never EVER get married again and I meant it. But then this incredible man came along and changed everything. If I hadn't met him, I would have been happy being on my own. I didn't mind one bit.

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