"I knew I loved you before I met you
I think I dreamed you into life
I knew I loved you before I met you
I have been waiting all my life"
(Savage Garden - I Knew I Loved You)
(continuing from last time...)
So two weeks after our initial contact, we decided to get together in person and find out if we could connect beyond the virtual world. We made plans to meet up in the downtown area of Montreal (the city we were living in at the time) around 4 PM on Saturday, May 18, 2002. My kids were away at their father’s that weekend, so I was free to come and go as I pleased without worrying about them.
I decided to leave my car behind and travel by metro (subway); a fast and convenient transit system that is entirely underground and the main form of public transport in the city. This way, I wouldn’t have to worry about traffic or parking, which can be quite difficult and stressful in the downtown area.
As I prepared to leave for our date, I started to think about how attached I’d become to this man just from our abundance of emails and nightly phone chats. In this short but intense period of time, I had made him an integral part of my daily life. From the first moment I’d heard his voice my heart had created a space for him and I looked forward to our phone calls where we shared our day with one another along with so many other things. But we had not met in person and no matter how much I tried to ignore it, the nagging fear returned: “What if it’s all an illusion that we’ve built? What if we meet and the chemistry is not there? What if I don’t like him? What if he doesn’t like me?”
And yet, despite these concerns, I felt optimistic, and to some extent I was convinced that I had met someone exceptional. There was that tiny part of me – perhaps it was the voice of my soul – that was confident that he and I were headed on an incredible journey together. I didn’t sense an ending, I sensed a beginning. Did I truly feel that way? Truly believe this? Or had I created yet another illusion?
Riding the metro with all that turbulence inside me that afternoon, it was obvious that I wasn’t entirely sure where I was headed but I was hopeful. And I wasn’t entirely sure how the day would pan out but I was willing to take the risk. Because I had to know. I had to know whether this story would end or whether he and I would write more chapters together.
I purposely arrived a little early to our meeting place because I wanted to give myself enough time to calm down and clear my head. That’s what I told myself. But the truth is I purposely arrived a little early to position myself in a way that he would see me before I saw him. In other words, I was going to somewhat hide with my back turned and let him find me. Because I was scared to death to find him. Scared to death of my initial response. And his, too. It was inevitable that we’d come face to face but I was buying some time. Keeping that illusionary world that we had built together alive for as long as possible. Right down to the last second.
So I flipped through the magazine that I’d brought along, keeping my eyes down, facing the opposite direction. And waited. Waited for him to arrive. Waited for him to spot me. Waited for him to walk over to me. My heart was pounding and my mind was racing when I felt a tap on my shoulder.
And with every ounce of courage in me, I turned around to take a look.
To be continued... (click here)