Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Back Online

So.

We lost our internet connection on Saturday and it didn’t get repaired until yesterday around noon. I thought I’d be annoyed that I couldn’t get online but I was actually relieved. Being disconnected for a few days was exactly what I didn’t know I needed. I took that time to focus on the grief I was experiencing over the death of our black cat and so did the most amazing man in the world. Neither he nor I had ever put a pet to sleep before our sweet Nacho and it was a horrible experience. I always knew it would be difficult but I underestimated just how much. I don’t imagine it ever gets easier.

The grief was bad enough but the guilt and doubt that followed was agonizing. Did we do the right thing? Did we make the best decision for this little soul that trusted us to take good care of her? What would she have wanted? These questions and more plagued us. By Monday I was angry. Nacho was only 8 and it was completely unfair. I spent the day cleaning and packing up books, clothes and other items for donation to keep from thinking. By evening I was exhausted and some of the negative energy had dissipated.


Yesterday morning I was feeling depleted and slightly agitated. In my journal I asked the question “How do I get rid of the negative energy that is overwhelming me?” and then pulled the card ‘Spirit of Healing’ from ‘The Sharman’s Oracle’. I couldn’t have chosen better. Concentrating on that for a while, I began to feel a little more peaceful. And ever so slightly, I opened the door to the journey of healing.

Even though we got our internet connection back around noon yesterday, I decided to stay offline and work on building positive energy. This morning I woke up much more balanced, and having only one cat instead of two greet me as I got out of bed didn’t hurt as much as the day before.

It is amazing how much space these little fur balls take up in our heart, isn’t it?

Thank you all for your kindness and support. I can’t tell you how much I appreciate it and just how helpful it's been.

51 comments:

  1. Welcome back, Martha. As the saying goes, "cats leave pawprints on our hearts." Yes, they sure do.

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    1. Thanks, Debra. Getting away for a few days did me a lot of good.

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  2. I can remember feeling exactly those emotions when we had to let our Nemo go. Yes, a disconnect is a good thing for me too. On that note, I think I'll shut the computer off and do something constructive for the rest of the day. There is knitting calling my name.

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    1. Thanks for stopping by, Karen! I hope you got a chance to enjoy some knitting :)

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  3. Good work Martha. I love your tender and pliable heart.

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  4. I'm so sorry that you are going through this sad time. I had to take this difficult decision with our dog a few years ago. The burden of responsibility sat very uncomfortably on my shoulders, and your description of your feelings is something I recognise. I hope that your positive energy continues to build. With very best wishes, x

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    1. Thank you, Sarah. I'm so sorry about your dog. These decisions are always painful.

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  5. Over the New Years weekend our Internet and house phone went out due to extreme cold. I found it frustrating not to be able to answer my questions or play with my blog, but there are always books to read in the house. Hope you have happier times ahead.

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    1. There are other things to keep us busy but we've gotten so used to having the internet that it takes us time to adjust!

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  6. I had to put down my cat, Harriet, when she was 6. It was devastating. It was 15 years ago and I still miss her. If I look to my right I see two pictures of her. Yes, they take up a lot of space in our hearts.

    I am glad you are feeling a little better. It takes a long time.

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  7. When we put our dog down 1 1/2 years ago it was heart-wrenching. But our vet was so wonderful. He reassured us that we were doing the right thing. And you did the right thing for your beloved cat too. Be consoled by the fact that he is no longer suffering.

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    1. That is what has helped, Linda. Ending the suffering was our goal.

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  8. Hi Martha, this is a very positive post. We do have to feel and release that negativity and the anger and the fear and pain...it leads to better energy and sweeter memories. Day by day it does get easier, but it's still the hardest thing to do. You guys shouldn't feel regret, but I have to admit I've felt that too in the same situation. I'm so glad your card gave you peace, disconnecting from the interwebs isn't such a bad idea now and then. Distraction is okay, but we can't avoid the pain for too long. It's very healthy to allow it to happen and reconnect with the spirit, even though it feels like crap to do it. xx

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    1. Being disconnected was great. It really made a difference. I'm a thinker (that's what Aquarians do :) and I need to think about and sort through my feelings. Initially we were in shock because it was so sudden, then came the severe grief followed by horrible guilt and regret. I am much better now that I've had time to deal with it. I miss our little fur baby terribly but I am at peace knowing she is not suffering, and will not die a horrible death had we kept pushing her along.

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    2. Good to hear. :)
      Btw, you Aquarian you, Air is your element most definitely! Thought, perception, intellect. :)

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    3. Oh, that is for sure...just ask my husband about my thinking and thinking and thinking...haha. He says that when he stands close to me he feels heat generating from my head from my brain working overtime! :)

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  9. Welcome back Martha, so sorry again for your loss, understandable grief.

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  10. Oh Martha, I’m so sad and sorry to hear the news of your cat. I’ve been away from blogland for 5 weeks while visiting daughter and family in Victoria. The healing process is slow and it seems you have started the journey. I’ll be back to my site in the next day or so.

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    1. Thanks, Linda! Your trip sounds wonderful. I'm glad you got a chance to spend time visiting your daughter.

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  11. I have been thinking of you, dear Martha, in the loss of your beloved cat. Healing thoughts are being sent to you, with love. x

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  12. Thinking of you, and sending my good wishes.

    All the best Jan

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  13. Not easy the case with Nacho. That's for sure and I'm sorry you guys are hurting. As for being unplugged. I unplug allllll the time. I have to because I love, love, love my quiet time.

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    1. Quiet time is the best. We can all use a little of that. It does us good.

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    2. I wasn't raised on Internet.
      Very easy for me to walk away,
      unplug and get to my creating.

      I don't understand 24/7 Internet.

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    3. I know exactly what you mean. I have extended periods where I'm offline. It's not to unplug now and then.

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  14. It takes time to process the loss. And it takes facing it in amounts that you can handle. It sounds like you are aware of how much to focus on it and what you need to do, which is a big part of the battle. It's traumatic when a pet is lost quickly, as yours was. There is no time to prepare beforehand, so all the processing must be done afterward. Wishing you peace as time passes, Martha. Hugs.

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    1. Thanks, Jenny. Hugs are always welcome :) It is getting easier each day. We'll always miss her but knowing she is not suffering helps.

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  15. Much emotion is due to the accuracy of imagination. When a snake got into our back mud room, I had a choice -- stomp him before he got under the washer or dryer or grab him. He looked at me with a look that said, "I'm programmed to bite." I replied, "If I grab you behind your jaws, you won't be able to." I did, and carried him out to the creek where he could lead a more rewarding life. I learned to do that from experience --some life-forms don't think overmuch about the future. They understand the moment only. They understand fear and pain. If you can help a creature away from fear and pain, from feelings and a weakening life it can't --is not built to-- understand, they do not judge you. You did the right thing, the merciful thing.

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    1. Thank you for this, Geo. This comment made me feel so much better. A very good perspective.

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  16. More love to you. Be gentle with yourself/yourselves. Don't judge any of your feelings. It's all natural, even the ugly, irrational emotions. It's all part of your beautiful humanness - feel it all. Know that you'll get to a better place, but the loss is so fresh now. Know also, we're not going anywhere.

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  17. I do feel that my dog Zelda left this world earlier than she deserved. A year and about three months later, I still have regret and anger over the situation. For most of the first half of last year, I'd have nightmares often of her and her problems.

    So I can tell you're going through a similar wavelength I did with my dog. Putting them to sleep would be different if they were screaming in agony on the way there. But we try to be the better people and pull the plug before that stage ever happens.

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    1. Very true, Adam. I think that's part of the guilt. It's very hard to forget something like this.

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  18. the love and bondness you had with your pet is obviously making you feel little guilty but YOU KNOW YOU ARE NOT!

    you loved her so much so deeply so you did what was RIGHT FOR HER .

    let me share you my secret thought with you Martha ,i have decided already since i saw my parents suffering in their last few years which have destroyed all my innate peace ,disturbed my periods and have made my hair fallen ,vanished the real sENSE of joy from my inner world as nothing excites me anymore in true means .
    I have decided that i will kill myself (suicide) by taking some extra pills rather then staying alive and bearing pain and making other in trouble this is done for me and it is not self pity it is just acceptance what is real and practical .

    i am glad you find the end of the tunnel and saw some light around you i hope you will bring company for your pet soon

    best wishes for healing speedily my friend!

    LOVED the heading more

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    1. Thank you, Baili. We are definitely going to bring our cat a new friend. It'll be nice for her to have company. And I hope you never reach that point. I hope you live a very long life and die peacefully in your sleep!

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  19. I understand feeling guilty, you always wonder if something else could have been done. You knew Nacho best and I am sure you made the correct choice for her so she would not have to endure any suffering just to be here a little longer. XO

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    1. I can never allow any of my fur babies to suffer. It is very hard to make this decision but much harder to see them in pain. Thank you for your support xo

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  20. I completely understand how you feel. When we recently had to make that choice to put down our Callie-Jo it was so hard. On the outside she didn't look sick at all. Inside though they felt she had cancer and would probably not make it through surgery. To see her that night before they put her down was so hard and I felt guilty about it as well. We've had to put other animals down as well and it is never ever easy to do. - My heart feels for you. Again I know in time you will welcome a new kitty into your lives and that always helps. Just know that you are not alone in your feelings and if you ever need to talk about it I'm willing to listen. Take care.

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    1. Thank you, Ida. You are very kind! Animals are masters of disguise when they are sick. Our cat didn't show any signs of illness until it got really bad. They are so innocent like that. They simply accept their fate and go about their day. I think that's what makes it even harder to deal with emotionally. It is getting easier each day. We'll always feel sad about her but I feel more comfortable as the days go by that we did right by her.

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  21. Happy you have taken time to consider what you needed most to begin the healing, Martha.
    When we take on the responsibility of a pet we sometimes don't think about what it all entails....the good and the not-so-good.

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    1. You got that right, Jim. It's hard when the not-so-good rears its ugly head. The lives of these beautiful souls are much too short if you ask me. If only they could live longer.

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  22. Sounds like you got just what you needed and how helpful those cards are!

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  23. You did the compassionate and right thing, out of love, Martha. Such a difficult, difficult thing to experience. Sending you a big hug!

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